joke
My Plan For Being an Extremely Successful and Famous Author: Day One
Woo! Tomorrow I officially become a legitimate author. St. Martin’s Press is publishing my law school memoir, LAWYER BOY. Here’s what I have planned for the day:
6:00 AM to 11:00 AM: Appear on several network mornings shows (Good Morning America, The Today Show, etc…). These shows haven’t actually expressed any interest in having me as a guest, but let’s just say, tonight, when I fall asleep, I plan on leaving my cell ringer on.
11:00 AM to 1:00 PM: Foie gras medallions and with the mayor.
1:00 PM to 4:00 PM: Oprah taping. (Attending as an audience member, but planning to throw copies of my book on stage.)
4:00 PM to 10:00 PM: Field apologetic/remorseful phone calls for every girl who’s ever rejected me.
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Best Joke Ever
It’s official. I have a favorite joke. Never had one before. Before, when people would ask me to tell a joke, I didn’t know what to say. Now I do. Here goes:
This turtle was mugged by a gang of snails. Afterwards, the police asked the turtle, “Could you describe the snails who mugged you?” The turtle replied, “I don’t know; it all happened so fast.”
Anybody else got an all-time favorite joke?
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How to tell if you're
Submitted by Karen Tintori (not verified) on Fri, 05/02/2008 - 04:55.
How to tell if you're married.
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night
all three will we ar black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over
their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found
me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me
and said, "You are the woman of my life. I love you." Then we made
love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and
I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had
wild sex all night.
The married woman:
I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the
night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
I like it. Thought it'd
Submitted by Rick Lax on Fri, 05/02/2008 - 05:03.
I like it. Thought it'd be much dirtier than it turned out to be, of course. Ah...but I don't know what a bodice is...
My favorite is
Submitted by Rachel (not verified) on Sat, 05/03/2008 - 14:33.
My favorite is simple:
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
This one's not so much a
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 05/03/2008 - 20:57.
This one's not so much a joke as a favorite riddle:
"In the middle of a desert, in a glass box, there is a dead parrot. How did it die?"
You should know the answer Rick.
That was my ex's fav joke
Submitted by Ricky (not verified) on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 03:53.
That was my ex's fav joke too..
Did somebody slit the
Submitted by Ricky (not verified) on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 03:55.
Did somebody slit the parrot's throat?
Let me be the first to
Let me be the first to say:
Congratulations!!!
It's been a long time coming. Maybe I'll stalk the aisles of Barnes & Noble here in New York and do some of my own Lawyer Boy publicity.
Let me also be the first to express my regret. In college, you asked me out after Acting 101 and I said no. And even though we became fast friends, today I'd trade it all in for a chance to switch that monosyllable-word reply to a "yes."
Son of a.
Congrats again.
You should tape every
You should tape every morning show, daytime talk show, and late night show that airs today.
Then, you should do that Forrest Gump digital insertion thing, and make it look like you were in all of them. Your kids and grandkids will never know. I can see the dialog now:
Matt Lauer: "So, Dr. Sorenson, you're saying that polar bears are sick of global warming and are starting a cult that uses human sacrifices to cool the earth on the assumption that since people are 98.6 degrees, each person warms the earth with their body heat?"
Inserted Rick Lax: "Yes, the people at St. Martins have been great. My editors really helped me keep things tight and cohesive. I think any law student will enjoy the tips, and any lawyer will enjoy reading the book and thinking back on their own hijinx."
Matt Lauer: "So, Doctor, you're saying that the international child pornography rings are covers for the polar bear cult? That they use child porn to lure people into the 'To Catch a Predator' houses, but instead of being arrested, they are polarkilled?"
Inserted Rick Lax: "It's been quite an experience writing this book. I've had to walk a fine line between telling it like it is, and protecting the innocent.... and the not so innocent."
Matt Lauer: "Strange and troubling news indeed Doctor, thank you for alerting us to the impending danger."
Inserted Rick Lax: "Thanks for having me Matt."
CONGRATULATIONS R I C K Y
CONGRATULATIONS R I C K Y
It's now a few minutes
It's now a few minutes before 1:00 Chicago time...how were the Foie gras medallions and with the mayor?
Sounds delicious and confusing.
Sounds like the Today show's
Sounds like the Today show's gotten a whole more controversial...